OPEN LETTER

Remember it’s the gap between the lines you park

Dear Sir or Madam, (or your current gender profile)

Please see the above photo of your vehicle parked in the shopping centre car park.

Now your average onlooker would call you a moron who clearly got their driver's licence from a Christmas Cracker. As a child did you not ever learn how to colour within the lines? Hence why you can not park between the lines.

Did you think of the car park line maker? His skills handed down from generation to generation in making parallel lines with a perfect distance for any vehicle to park between. …


Humor

A furball on your doormat is a warning you are late with the tuna payment

The other day my neighbour showed me the above post-it note left on her door.

In summary, it read “It is very stressful and bordering scary for me to go in and out of the building with a cat guarding the door.”

I guess he means the main entrance to the building. Acting like a furry bouncer at a nightclub. Checking IDs and only letting the hot-looking girl cats go in first.

I have no problem with the cat. Given the post-it note, I want to make sure I keep it that way. Or maybe I should get to know…


Humor

You look ridiculous so there must be a reason why you have one

I certainly don’t have long flowing locks. My hair is curly. Cute when I was 6 but not so much now. So, I keep it short. Even if I did have long hair, I wouldn’t be scrunching up it up to form a bun on the top of my head. Like a hairy dumpling.

Jesus didn’t have a man bun so why are men all over the world sporting this hairstyle? There must be another reason.

Is it a personal GPS or radar system?

Did it start as a pimple that you ignored and then calcified?

Maybe the twin you…


Don’t hate Karen — use their evil power for your own selfish needs

We have all encountered a Karen. The middle-aged blonde bob haircut white woman. Often racist and constantly demanding to speak to the manager. You would happily crawl over broken glass naked just to avoid any contact with a Karen.

But is this necessary? Why are we avoiding Karen? Deep down we all need a Karen in our lives. We should be embracing them and use their evil power to get shit done.

Not happy about the 5G mobile phone tower on your street

Grab a Karen and show her a few internet blogs about how the towers are spreading Covid19 and controlling our minds. Also mention that Mexicans are living in…


Humour

You may have to join a White Supremacy group but it will be worth it

Do you find your day is taken up with mind-numbing pointless meetings? The morning meeting followed by the monthly update meeting then the quarterly sales meeting followed by what do we get Karen from accounting for her 40th birthday, meeting.

We do this so we can exchange ideas, give updates on projects and discuss things like, “How do we make our day more productive?”

Usually, I find after a meeting I know less than I did when I first went in.

Is there anything worse? Well, actually there is. It’s called the “Micro Meeting.”

These meetings are very organic and…


Love the simple pleasures in life. Good food, wine and Saturday morning cartoons.

Welcome to Dansky Dan Land. Well, Australia. Yes, we do have Kangaroos bouncing down the middle of the street. And yes Drop Bears are real.

Grew up in a mining town in the north of Western Australia. Only child with divorced parents who lived under the same roof but had different lives.

It was a great place to grow up. So much freedom. No shoes, no shirt no hat. Camping fishing and playing with your friends till the street lights came on.

I was always been creative and had a vivid imagination. Maybe it was the only child thing. Had…


Humor

Fish oil was just the start of the slippery slope of daily pill popping

What happen to me? It all started when taking a vitamin. Mainly fish-oils. Sure, I might smell like a salmon canning factory, but my eyes are bright, and my hair was shiny.

Now days I need drink a full glass of orange juice or wine on a weekends just get all these dam pills down my neck.

With all this Covid, Meghan Markle and Prince Harry explosive interview and the Ever Given getting sideways was causing me some anxiety.

Naturally, I asked my doctor to prescribe something to help me with my newfound anxiety. After a couple of tests and…


Humor

Can I give you a Clap and Highlight your heart?

I’m not ashamed to admit it. When scrolling through my daily read suggestion I will click on a story. Not because of the catchy headline or that quirky photo. No, I will click on that story because the author looks cute.

Is it wrong that I might be using Medium as a dating site?

I find myself doing this more since writing my bio in the publication About Me Stories. Occasionally I will read what other people have written about themselves. But if the author looks cute and she has that cheeky smile I’m clicking on that story. …


Humor

You are not in a porn movie

I love a good massage. A moment you can relax while all the stresses and worries are rubbed away.

I’m not a massage snob. No need to for me to go to one of those fancy alternative Day Spa’s. Built out of a shipping container nestled into a hillside in the middle of nowhere. I certainly don’t need someone called Unicorn Fern Tree placing hot rocks on my spine. Not just any rocks. Rocks that Buddha himself used to pave his driveway.

No, a simple massage parlour in your local shopping centre. Nestled between a fried chicken and mobile phone…


HUMOR

Why I will never give money to an animal charity ever again

One evening while I was flicking through the tv channels I came across an Animal Welfare advert. It showed the appalling condition in which tigers were living in a private zoo. How they were captured in the wild and then locked in small cages for the amusement of inhumane masters.

What could I do to help these majestic animals? Well, the answer flashed on my tv: “For only $19.95 per month, you can adopt a tiger and help end the suffering”.

So, with a credit card in hand, I phoned the number and signed up to adopt a tiger. It…

Dansky Dan

Writer, Music Producer. Writing mostly humour as that’s how I roll. Plus I seem to get more views writing humour or humor if you are in America.

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